I only seem to do this when I'm in a contemplative state (10 weeks since your last post... wow, I really don't think much) or when I'm sad or chewing something over. I'm kind of all 3 at the moment. This seems to be a time of massive change and of utter stagnation. I've cut most of my hair off (well, I didn't. Stephen Merchant did) am about to go to America for a week on my own and then on my return I start University. All good. All progression and all change but for whatever reason my life just feels stuck in the ruttiest of ruts. Everyone seems to be embarking on a huge new adventure or starting a new incredible chapter or just doing something and I seem 3 years behind. I am having fun - don't get me wrong. Bizarrely I'm probably the happiest i've been in a very long time (thanks to my beautiful head doctor Jennifer and some lovely anti-depressants) but I feel wedged in this rut non-the-less. I think it's because I watched too much Disney as a child and now, too much porn as an adult. Im either expecting a magical adventure or a sordid sexual encounter all the time. And it seems that this for the most part doesn't happen. I eat a lot of bubblegum, play a lot of Tetris and watch far far too much of America's/Britain's/Australia's Next Top Model safe in the knowledge that I could do a better job than them all if I didn't have this face, body and was 4-8'' taller. I think you always want what you don't have simply because you only see the bits you want to see. I wish I had curly hair but I know it would be a bastard to manage and I'd probably end up straightening it all the time. I'd love a deep and meaningful relationship with a lovely boy but as soon as I get anywhere close to that it's exactly what I don't want. Or need. Or both. I always want a massive pudding after a massive meal and nearly always regret it as I vomit in my mouth on the way home, bloated and clammy like a water-logged cow carcass. Anyway, whinge over. Oh, and just a passing question... is 39 too old? x

Current Location: train
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Radiohead, In Rainbows (album)

Goodness I'm hungry. Very very hungry. That's the main problem with a diet. The hunger. And I can't employ my normal tactics now the jaw doctor says I can't have chewing gum or gnaw on plastic anymore. My diet consists of 600 calories per day (no more than 15 grams of fat aiming for 10) 6 days a week, then on saturdays I can (and do) eat absolutely anything I want. And lots of it. I wrote this deeply meaningful poem about it all:

One sleep 'till eats.
Every Friday like Christmas eve.
Terrible urge for sausage...

Yeah, click your fingers poetry ponces. Deep or what? It was written on a Friday. Sadly its 3 sleeps 'till eats right now. I've just had a swig of vinegar but it didn't help. On the flip side of dieting misery, I am the lightest i've been since middle school so maybe it's worth it. Fucking sick of beans though.

In other news, I hate my job so much I actually have to down headset and weep between calls at the moment. Ben, one of the only good things about the place, has downed headset permanently. I love him for it and hate him too. He's escaped.

Must have that wee... x

Current Location: Bedroom, bed
Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: Evol Intent

If you know me, you'll know I'm the first person to acknowledge how shit I am. And if you don't, Hi. I'm Sammy. I'm shit. Yes, I started this blog with really really good intentions. The very most intentiony of intentions but then everything else in the world (apparently) got in the way and I stopped updating. And I'm sorry. Probably not to you reading it now because, I'm guessing, maybe 3 people will read this. If that. So no, not to you (well, maybe a bit) but to myself. Because it's yet another thing i've been shit and and hate myself for, adding to my mountain of self loathing. Well done Sammy. So why today? Why did I decide to come back to this today and not just let it die in the water like at least 3 other blogs I can think of. Well imaginary reader, here is why.

1 - LiveJournal is STILL 3rd on my favorites bar. It's never moved and it judges me every day.
2 - I'm sick of forgetting important things that have happened to me. For example, here are things I didn't document in the last year:

falling in 'love', tooth removal, the best job of my life, the worst job of my life, an amazing dinner, another tattoo, another piercing, a very British summer holiday, saying goodbye, a good train journey, loosing a loved one, hating a loved one, putting it all right again, loosing weight, being a special, cheating, winning, a new dream...

There is loads more - I'm just aware of how boring it all is. So...
3 - Being frustrated because my friends don't update their blogs (kettles, pots a la la la)
4 - Having the shittest day in a long while and having no adequate way to mend it

So that is why.

I know i've missed out a great deal so, slate wiped, this is what happened today...
I trampolined naked with Ewan McGregor in a cake factory. Now this is what happened today. In my head. For a good while. What really happened was just a really annoying day filled with crying, anger and shaky frustration. Its never good. When you have a day like that everything seems worse so I'm guessing some of this has turned into self-inflicted pitiful shite, I just wanted a good old whinge. Next time won't be such a long time.

Lastly, are you my anonymous commenter? Please tell me who you are. I'm intregued.

Love to all and alls mothers.

xxx

Current Location: Bedroom, home
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Our Velocity - Maximo Park

Got back from the best part of a weeks break in Sheffield today. Had what can only be described as a bloody good week, but now im back at home Im desperately miserable. Fuck fuck and fuckety fuck.

The week in Sheffield was so splendid thanks to Roochie mam :) (and made even more delightful by the Pickmere Ladies and Rach's assorted amazing mates). Weird how good it was really considering the frequent illness... Rach got hammered at her birthday celebrations and had to be looked after and taken home to be rather sick. Because of my intense vomit-fear, I stayed with Lee on Monday. Only got about an hour, an hour an a half sleep because of our endless conversations, mostly about utter arse. Topics I can recall, overwhelming fear of aliens (which Lee has now projected onto me), the best incidental 'Friends' characters and men/women and why we hate/love them.

Shlepping back to Rach's the next morning in nothing more than Lee's cords, zip up hoodie and my red shiny shoes I felt rather odd (especially as in my delirious state I decided to have a go on the Arts Tower paternoster). I slumped on the Pickmere settee (where the amazingly wonderful and delightful Claire had laid out a whole bed for me) and watched Jeremy Kyle. He really fucks you up early on... Felt awful. Pulled the onesie on and sat in a near catatonic state until Rach got up. Spent the day being sleepy and miserable, eating lots (well, I did. Rach still had a delicate belly) and watching 'Anchorman'. Had a nap from which I awoke with the mental capabilities of a dirty shoe. We made the dreadful decision of going to Tuesday club... then left and hour an a half early. Got back and pondered over who may need the bucket more during the night...

Wednesday was more sedate but very lovely. Got chips for breakfast, sat by some fountains cursing children, lay in the garden. Very nice :) I really couldn't have managed another night out, but Rach was working lots anyhoo so I stayed in, did some dishes for a couple of hours then spent a little time in the company of Steve. A very lovely person, and with such an odd shaped head... Got to bed nice and early for a change.

Thursday was again, nice and calm. Spent some time on the garden and chatting and planning... Or should that be plotting? Sexual plotting is always the most fun. I also met Roochie's fa-knee. Its horrendous. I managed to loosen Rach's resolve and we went to Fuzz Club which was amazing! She danced like she was the cool girl in a indie Brit film and I danced like a fat lass trying to keep balance on a small ball whilst grabbing for chips. Because of some 'arranging' I managed to feel like I was in middle school again. It was a bit exciting :) Didn't go back with Rach, but instead with Eliot - an intensely cute friend of Lee's *swoon* etc. As I am a lady, I will cut this off here*********************

Had to get the bus back home on Friday :( Was very sleepy after having only had 2 hours sleep so slept most of the way there on a scared looking man. Now, normally when I get home its rather nice. Very happy to be home etc. But I felt such a sinking feeling in my belly. I knew being home just wasn't going to be as good as being in Sheffield. A combination of being with friends I love, new people, amazing banter fun and club nights but most of all freedom had all just been taken away again. Not really happy now im back. Especially as after preaching about lads being obsessive I've become one. Facebook is now my enemy. ARSE.

Back to work today... that was a headfuck and a half. So was seeing my Nanna who has just gone out and bought a new mobile phone because on her old one 'you couldn't type in a phone number and call it'. OF COURSE YOU FUCKING COULD. Dad has been beautifying the trike so im rather excited about getting back on it next weekend :) Oh, and I decided to be incredibly brave so I bought a whole cooked chicken and had some for tea. If you know me you'll know how hard that was. Terror over-whelmed me, but I did it! I bloody bastard did it! Well, anyway, thats about it for now. Back to worrying about money, debt, weight, lack of freedom, my new obsession and She-J (ARGH!!!!!!!!!). Night Night x x x

Current Location: bedroom - at the desk
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: T.V in the backgound

So... yeah, not brilliant at this really. At least im actually sticking with it, though Janet is winning by a mile. Its been a funny old week or so. Last week me and Rach did some baking. Made some horribly doughy pizzas and a very odd cake. I'll be honest, I quite enjoyed the cake but everyone else seemed to have a reaction to it. On Friday I went back to Rachels hoping for a night out to remeber on Nelson Hill. No such luck. We ended up having a better night than that :) Rach has pretty much covered the events in her blog so I won't repeat it but the highlights of the evening for me was my pact with Phill (that if neither of us is married by the time we're 40, we're marrying each other), drinking 5 cans of red bull very close together having a similar effect to speed (the jaw weirdness and everything), my amazing chat with Jack Butler who I think I love and taking Graeme and Ross home in my car. My two seater car. That was hillarious. Didn't really get to sleep that night - felt very odd on Saturday. Possibly helped towards me full on flashing a lorry driver on the A1 out of Hannah's car window...

Easter Sunday was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Loved my Easter-ey gifts (including a gorgeous teddy dog made in the style of Tatty Teddy so now my teddy has a teddy. teddy teddy teddy). Ate alot of chocolate then eventually started to get ready for my Easter Sunday dinner. Got a call part way through this. One of the best phone calls i've ever had. It was from Stephen Merchant's radio show producer telling me that they liked my CD, was so far the favourite and that they were going to play a bit of my CD on their show! OMG!!!!!!!! (just to let you in on the crack, he has a show on 6Music which is all about proper musical appreciation and he want's a She-J - a lady DJ - to present with him to get a female opinion so he started a search to find his lady. I entered a CD of myself a week ago and crossed my fingers very tight.) Well, anyway, it was such an amazing call to get but the woman told me that the competition os open for a few more weeks. Im so terrified that I might not get it I was sweating, felt sick, almost in tears at one point. im shocked with how badly I want this. Anyway, after I got that phone call I was possibly the most stressed i've ever been. Really put a dampner on my Easter Sunday :(

Was ill all Easter Monday. Spent the day in bed. Woo...

Today (Tuesday) I went to the Doctors for my stupid face, my cousin started decorating our hallway and me and Hannah went to Seahouses! Oooh it was fun. We drove north for ages and eventually got there. After a lovely sausage and chips, we went to the arcade and played two-penny falls for ages. It was so much fun! Donna has a rather good point though. No matter how much money you win on those machines, you never stop playing until it's all gone. Have you ever seen anyone cash in their 2p's? We then went shopping (and I bought Poi! More on that later) then went down to the beach. Took a mental route down considering there was a set of steps. Literally just hurtling down a rock face... Ate some gorgeous ice-cream and wandered round some rock pools. After playing with my Poi (like juggling balls/bean bags on a string with kite esque tails that you waft round your head and do tricks with) we headed home.

Tonight I watched 'Wedding Belles' the channel 4 drama by Irvine Welsh. God it was amazing. He is my hero.

Anyway... Lets see what tomorrow brings. Conflict probably.

x x x

Current Location: bedroom - on my bed
Current Mood: worried
Current Music: T.V in the backgound

Yes... its been a while. But Janets new found fervor for her website has made me realise just how lazy I have been. Its not like I even have a real diary that i've been favouring, Im just big and fat and lazy. Its been almost a month since my last post and though probably alot has happened, I can't really remember much. So, the here and now...

Rachel stayed over last night which was rather fun. She hadn't been in my room for over two years and considering I class her as one of my closest friends thats really quite awful. We went for and Ikea breakfast this morning (which im apparently obsessed with) and shopping at the Metrocentre this afternoon. I bough a pair of shorts that go right up to under your boobs modelled on the Long Blondes lead singer. Of course, Im imagining if I wear these shorts my legs will look like hers hence the waste of £8... They wont. I'll look like a short fat boy scout. But one endeavours to find the pair that wont. The holy grail may be easier...

Maybe i'll try and update more often. Hopefully I can get back in the flow of it and even more hopefully (with fingers crossed and everything) i'll have more fun, happy and exciting things to report because, to be honest, life is a bit miserable at the moment. Merry whatever to you all and much love x

Current Location: bedroom - at the desk
Current Mood: as ever
Current Music: nowt

Went to see the Kaiser Chiefs last night. Ooh it was good. I bought the tickets so me and Janet could go for her birthday present and it was mint! Although me and Janet were wearing matching hoodies(...) the rest of the night was ace! There were two girls behind us in the queue and one said to the other, "the first time I saw you sweat was in year 6". I think it's one of the best things i've ever heard in a queuing situation.
The Kaiser's had 2 support bands. The Pigeon Detectives and The Long Blondes. The lead singer of the former was a little odd and he was obviously wearing no underpants as when he jumped, certain things jumped a little too much... The Long Blondes were pretty cool but The Kaiser Chiefs were outstanding. We were right at the front and it was immense :) On the Metro going home I felt amazing. Then the man opposite set fire to his shoes. Took the edge off it a little...
Spent today with an old friend and his baby. Little Dominic (my friends baby, not a pet name for his... well, you know) is amazing. Im sure at one point during our playtime my ovary wailed (and on that front, the fertility thing is looking ok for the meanwhile. Hurray! Need more tests in a few years but thats quite the relief).
Also today, I finally managed to get my hands on an Ikea folding bike! Yay! It needs tinkered with (don't we all) but its lovely. Just need a name now. The car is called 'Tallulah', my laptop 'Princess' but now im stuck. Any suggestions? If its any help, she's blue. And a she. I've gathered that much. Love you all x

Current Location: bedroom - in bed
Current Music: t.v in the backgound

I spent a couple of days this week in Sheffield. God it was good. It's left me a husk, a ruin of the person I once was. Fucking M.E... Tuesday night, me and Rachel went to a thing called 'Tuesday Club' at Sheffield Union. Its a drum&base night and they had 'Pendulum' doing a night there. Ooh it was good. I love dancing like a twat. But I also love boys (particularly one I met that night who I saw kissing another girl *sniff*). One plus the other = no sexy frolics. But here, 90% of the people at this night were arseholed :) They danced like twats and noticed not if you did also. Brilliant! Had made two school-girl errors though. High heels and a shoulder bag. I paid for that. We got back v. late and I ate chips like the fat lass I am. YUMMMY!
Valentines Day... I thought I was going to hate it being the lonely miserable arse I am, but it's the best one i've ever had! Yogurt and chocolate covered bananas for breakfast, a new 'do (and I love my new fringe) a whole bag of doritos - each (and Im talking party sized) then a night with the Duke! He was possibly even better than last week. We were right at the front, he serenaded the crowd and after the gig he posed in a Run DMC fashion with me and Rach! What an utter legend! We had a bit of a boogie at the school disco ten went home. And got cheesy chips. Mmm... variety.
Thursday was another lovely day with Rach then a cracking night with Lee. In the truly platonic sense. Got a little bit stoned (and a lot-tle bit hungry) with him and his adopted flatmates (endlessly entertaining) then Partriged it up. Even ate a cup of beans with a sausage.
My distinctly un-mega Mega Bus was 2 hours delayed and the driver of said bus was outrageously homophobic. He told me that he wouldn't let 'them lasses on for kissing and cuddling. Its un-natural'. Oh dear.
Started feeling pretty un-well on the bus and have been feeling hideous ever since. That's what my body does to me when I have fun. At least I get to see my specialist on Wednesday. Yay... Love you all bar one x

Current Location: living room, home
Current Mood: ill
Current Music: 'Top Gear' in the background

I hate ebay. I really fucking wanted that jacket.

Anyway... Its been a pretty blah few days. Few weeks to be honest. Im very much hoping Sheffield is going to be a vat of fun. I need some fun. Whats depressing is, im imaging a crazy 'Skins-esque' night out with alot of randoms drugs and banter, but all my crazy OCD side can think is 'well there are alot of bugs going round so don't kiss anyone, don't touch anything in the toilets etc.' Im not even there yet. Bloody bloody arse. I hate advance anxiety...

On a better note, went to see 'Duke Special' last week and he was cracking. Brilliant live and also a jolly nice chap. I'll be honest, my thoughts about him have bordered on the improper...

Speaking of improper, I had a bizarre dream last night that I had a threesome with a gorgeous hick (specifically the gorgeous hick from 'Smokin' Aces) and *retch* the girl who plays 'Amy', the pregnant schoolgirl in 'Hollyoaks'. Im a bad person.

night

x

Current Location: living room, home
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Young Hearts Run Free - Candi Staton

I have a deadline tomorrow to hand in a ten-week plan for a deaf drama group. As it is with these deadlines, i've decided to do anything else. So here I am.

Had my skincare ad casting on Tuesday. It was as shitty as could be expected. At least they weren't offensive. They just looked at me in pity assuming i'd been sent by mistake. Yay... The girl I had to go in with was utterly vile, so I spent the audition insulting her as part of the improvisation making the director etc. laugh and all of it going over her head. Made me feel a little better about it all. Pootled around Manchester (an amazing city - felt a little jealous) shopping and whatnot. Sat on the city steps and ate my dinner and saw the most outrageous car accident. I was sat where the IRA bombed about 10 or so years ago so when everyone heard the bang, they automatically ducked. It was so loud everyone thought it was terror-related. What had actually happened was that the city centre is only accessible by bus. This is controlled by automated bollards. A pushy rich woman obviously thought these obvious signs didn't apply to her, drove over them and they shot through her brand new mini. Literally though. One went through her tyre (hence the bang) and the other right through the bonnet and therefore I presume the engine. Within 2 minutes, she was arrested and her car towed away. Now thats police power! The car was a write-off.
Met with Matt which was great, again. Its like having Jonny back - amazing to connect like that with someone you don't really know. We had a right laugh and a lovely meal. Oh, and a chocolate mousse fight on Manchester Piccadilly concourse. I don't think i've ever been so astounded. It was brilliant.
I've spent the last couple of days ill in bed with a sinus infection - possibly from the mousse incident... So not great. Oh, and im now officially at war with the tax man. To the point where I could be jailed. Ah well...
Starting to become so sick of my life its outrageous. Nothing is going right. Am looking for other work at the moment so I can carry on acting. The industry is on its knees. The statistic used to be 5% of actors were in work at any given time. Its not less than 1%. Am going to start hosting 'Ann Summers' partys though (well, being a party coordinator) so hopefully that'll be a laugh. Or bizzare, uncomfortable, stressful and not worth the money I earn. Well, we'll see. Love x

Current Location: bedroom - at the desk
Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: TV in the background